Don’t put your insecurities down on me

Is something a wise friend said a couple of weeks ago. Not to me but in general about people basically putting their insecurities on other people. But somehow I feel related. I do that. I am a girl, full of insecurities. Too fat, too short, not intelligent enough, not a good job, just plain no good enough. That is what I have been thinking for years. Since August and a somehow messy break-up (not messy in the way that it was a horrible break-up but messy for my little heart), I’ve done some thinking. I have been living my life through other people’s expectations. I guess loads of us are doing that but I was the queen in it. And that’s just no good. It messes your mind, makes people around you unhappy and leaving you. So I decided to do something about it. Pull myself together. What did I want? What are my expectations of myself? What will make me happy?

I made a list of things I wasn’t happy about. I was not happy about my weight, about the fact that I didn’t do any sports, about the fact that I was probably to clingy to my ex-boyfriend and relying on him way too much, wasn’t happy with my job. I joined a running group in September, changed job in October, lost weight in February, and have been managing good on my own, realising that you should feel ok about yourself before plunging into a new relationship.

Now 6 months later, I can say that I am on the road to happiness. One thing I have understood is that I will never be happy every day. But I am fortunate. I have, finally – and it took a while – a great job. I have always had very good friends that I can count on (and over the years they’ve been there), probably more than most and more importantly I am nearly happy about the way I look.

Will I ever fulfil the expectations that I have set for myself? No… I wanted to be a doctor, a journalist, I am a press officer. But you know what, I am a good press officer and that’s what is most important. I would probably have been a lousy doctor, scared of cutting in people, too sensitive for everything. A journalist? Hum don’t know… maybe I’ll try again. But I’m not a shark, nor a brilliant writer.
Will I ever be happy about how I look? No way, I’m a girl but as good wine I’ll get better.

I’m an only child. What are we known for? Being selfish, bossy, brats… Probably true. But what I find the hardest of being an only child is being alone. My parent’s expectations are entirely falling on me. If I screw up, then they’ll be devasted. They just want to be proud but sometimes it’s just a bit suffocating. I have often wondered what would happen if I couldn’t live up to their expectations… What would they think? I try not to think about that anymore. In the end it’s my life and I’ll live it how I want… But don’t we all live life through other people’s expectations?