Blogger’s block...

Or Writer’s block if you prefer, although I don’t really qualify as a writer , “is a phenomenon involving temporary loss of ability to begin or continue writing, usually due to lack of inspiration or creativity (wikipedia)”, and that has been exactly my problem.

Not that I didn’t want to update my blog, or even didn’t give it a go. I have about 15 posts that I have started but never finished. My only excuse: it was always revolving around my dad and somehow I didn’t want to finish the post, or didn’t know how to.

Losing someone is a strange feeling. You can try imagining it as much as you can but honestly it never comes close. When my dad was sick, I sometimes wondered what it would be like if it was all finished. Most of the time, I thought I would be relieved, I thought it would give me space, make me worry less. I couldn’t be more wrong. Now, months later, he is still very much present. There is probably not a day that I don’t think about him; much more than when he was alive.

Guilt, sadness, anger, I feel it all in one day. Like I said before, small things I want to share with him and I simply can’t anymore. Strangely, I don’t really appreciate them anymore either. And more importantly, I don’t want to share much about what is happening in my life with people and especially my mum and my stepdad cos I can’t share it with him anymore. I know it makes people who are close to me sad but for the moment I just don’t want anyone close to me. I guess I just don’t want to go through all this again.

I have to force me to accept that it is ok to go on. I mean, yes I have been working, making friends here in Geneva and tried to have some fun. But the last few months, I have kind off buried myself in my work, my books and my computer. Winter was great cos I could ski every weekend and just not think about it. Now it is much more difficult I find. A good friend of mine who lost her mum told me the longer it is the more difficult it becomes.

I think for me now, the difficulty is to accept that he is gone, that I will never see him again and never speak to him again. That he will never know how my life turned out to be. Was I happy? Did I find happiness in my job? Did I meet someone who I truly loved? Did I have kids? Did I become a good person?

Difficult is also that people and memories just fade away: I have to think before I can picture him in my head. What did his voice sound like? What was his laughter like?

Relieved on the other hand cos I don’t believe he was very happy the last few years of his life. His various illnesses had left him without energy and he had to ask for help all the time. My dad was a proud man, an intelligent man who could not do as much at the end of his life. Walking up the stairs, running errands, coming to Brussels to see me; all that was just too demanding on his body. His apartment was a mess and he didn’t know how to make it better and he was just too proud to ask for help. Being sick made him deeply unhappy and in a way it affected me as well.

Yesterday, it should have been his birthday. Another day you want to call him but that is just not possible anymore. However, for the next couple of months, I have decided to let him go. I need to. Just for a while, I need to think about myself.

At least until September.

Happy birthday

First birthday without my dad. Just wanted to wish him a happy birthday. I like that picture.